Today is our ninth wedding anniversary.  Nine years isn’t a long time in comparison to a lot of couples we know who have been married forty or fifty years, but it’s a solid start.  The United States Census Bureau says that the average marriage lasts eight years, so we’ve surpassed the average but we’ve always been aiming to be above average.  Today is a special edition of my “Lessons From the Trail” series and is a tribute to my beautiful bride.

As I was looking in my journal from hiking the Appalachian Trail I found that the notes for this week of hiking were somehow lost along the way.  When I typed up my journal I had to remember as best I could the events of that week and recreate them to fill in the hole.  In our lives we can get distracted, busy, lazy or simply stop paying attention and have holes where our time seems to simply disappear.  We can’t recreate the memories and events that happened during that time so we must carefully guard our lives and our time.

“Dad is Learning” is all about life-long learning – being a better man, husband and father.  I decided to write a few reflections on our first nine years of marriage and nine lessons I have learned over the years.  They’re written for me, but hopefully you will enjoy too:

1. Marry your best friend.
My wife and I have known each other since we were little kids.  We were friends long before I convinced her it would be OK to date me.  As friends we truly got to know each other without the ‘love blinders.’  On our own time, we both recognized that the qualities we were looking for in a spouse were in each other.  Looks change, passion can fizzle, but love based on friendship endures.  And as a bonus, when friendship is present all the other parts of a relationship seem to fall in place.

2. There will be trouble.
Enduring marriages are more about how the tough times are handled than about enjoying the good times.  Every marriage will face its share of trouble.  Sometimes troubles come one at a time and other times trouble seems to come in relentless wave after wave.  We cling to each other when times get hard and never ‘abandon ship.’  Like many, we had the phrase “in good times and in bad” in our marriage vows.  We meant what we said to each other in 2004 and prove it in our actions year after year.  Troubles have a way of either tearing a marriage apart or making it stronger.  Zig Ziglar said it well, “Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood they are on the same side.”

3. Have fun together.
Somewhere amidst the jobs, bills, and responsibilities it can be really easy to forget to have fun.  It’s enjoyable to do fun things with the family and make those memories.  But it is also important to do fun things with your special lady.  Sitting down to watch a movie together (and not falling asleep), going out on a date, or some other special ‘just for fun’ kind of event can go a long, long way.

4. Children won’t make things better.
I’m not sure why people still think this, but when their marriage is in trouble they think that having a child will help hold things together.  Let me tell you, even though children are wonderful, marvelous and a blessing….they are incredibly stressful.  They can leave you exhausted, strain the budget and lead to differences of opinion in raising them.  If communication, trust and commitment aren’t strong before having children, they won’t get any better just because you have a child.  However, if communication, trust and commitment abound then children can take things to a new level.

5. Be their biggest fan.
A lot of times we become our own worst enemy.  It is helpful to have a spouse who thinks we’re just about the best person in the world.  I happen to think my wife is amazingly attractive, super talented, hard working, and brilliant.  She doesn’t always feel those things are true about herself, but that doesn’t sway my belief or stop me from telling her that I think she is super.  She does the same thing for me.  When I think I am failing, she points out my successes.  Honest, sincere compliments and encouragement can do amazing things.

6. Make time to talk.
Andy Stanley wrote about his ‘talking chair’ in a book on time management.  At night he would fall asleep a minute after laying down in bed and this frustrated his wife because she wanted to talk.  So he learned to sit down in the chair on her side of the bed and talk for a while.  Marriages, parenting and all good relationships are based on good communication.  In the various phases of life communication takes place in different ways and at different times.  Find what works well in your relationship and talk, talk, talk.

7. Mind your manners.
Years of marriage can lead to familiarity and comfort, which is a good thing.  Don’t let those comfort levels allow your manners to fade away.  There are things I do when I’m alone that I don’t do when people are around…this mostly involves various noises that my body might make.  When my wife is around or my girls are around I try to keep those things under control.  I’m not always successful, but I think trying is what counts.  Putting forth a daily effort to look nice, smell nice and behave well is a small way we show love and respect for our spouse and family.  A lot of marriage research actually talks about the annoyances that spouses have in dealing with each other.  In the 3.5 year to 5 year window, the honeymoon is over and minor annoyances like burping, being sloppy, etc. can become major problems.  Mind your manners.

8. Things change.
Body shapes will change.  Hair will shift from place to place on the body.  Weird things will happen to us as we age.  Interests will come and go.  The woman I am married to now is a different person than the woman I married nine years ago.  I think the woman I’m married to now is pretty awesome, just as much if not more than the woman I married back in 2004.  Continually learning about the person you have linked your life to is part of the fun and adventure of being married.  Want a subject for life-long learning?  Your spouse is a great place to start.  

9. Love never fails.
My wife had the phrase “Love never fails” engraved into my wedding band, along with our anniversary date so I wouldn’t forget…she knows me well.  The quote comes from 1 Corinthians 13.  The passage is talking about love in relationship to our faith, but our faith is a key part of our relationship so they work hand in hand.  The context continues that love perseveres when other things fade away.  It grows and matures with a relationship and is hard to fully explain.  1 Corinthians 13:13 concludes, “So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”  Our relationship with God is built on faith, hope and love and our relationship with each other is also built on these three.  As we grow in both relationships we grow to understand true love more and more.

Bonus: Ignore societal preconceptions.
Our society has a long list of predefined expectations and responsibilities for husbands, wives and marriage.  The preconception exists that women are expected to cook, clean, do the laundry and be “Super Mom.”  When women miss that impossible mark it can mess with their self-image.  Men are expected to be the bread winners and defer all issues with the children and home to their wife.  Sounds like an episode of “Mad Men.”  Societal expectations or preconceptions can put undue stress on a relationship.  Find what works for your marriage and home and roll with it.  Your dude does the laundry?  Good for him.  Your lady bring home the health insurance?  Good for her.  Find that happy balance of work and responsibility in your relationship by having a willingness to try new things.

Final thoughts…
Well, you’ve made it to the end of a pretty long post.  I want to emphasize that our marriage is not perfect.  It can be easy to read a post like this and think that things are all ‘rainbows and cupcakes.’  We have stresses and troubles just like everyone else.  We make a constant effort to improve, grow and love each other.

You might have noted this is not my first time to write about marriage.  I wrote this post about a month ago.  I enjoy writing about marriage and family because it helps me to think things out.  I would be interested to hear some of the things you have learned about marriage in the comments section below.  Also, if you thought this was a good post would you consider sharing it using the buttons below?  Thanks for reading!